Lesson 1: Boundaries 101

Defining a Boundary

Do you have a problem saying “no” to people?  Do you feel like you are constantly overextending yourself? Are you known as the "yes" girl or guy in your friend group?  

This is what a boundary issue looks like. You may be asking yourself, why do I relate to the statements above? This is specific to each person. However, it does have to do with how your current boundaries have been shaped. 

 

Many people don’t understand what a boundary is or what they look like. Because of this, there are a few common misconceptions. Let’s do a quick survey to better understand the myths and the facts regarding boundaries. As you do, think about how you currently define a boundary.  

 

Now that we know what a boundary is not, let's give you a basic definition with the "fence" analogy:

Can you think of a time in your life where you set a clear boundary? 

Personal Example: A few years ago, I (Nicole) had a close friend who was constantly putting me down. They justified it as being sarcastic, and initially, I laughed with them. As you can imagine, things like that wear on you, and eventually I had to sit down and talk with them about it. I let them know that what they were saying was not funny to me and kindly asked them to stop the behavior. 

To be honest, it was difficult for me to approach them so directly; I naturally hate contention. Much to my relief, my friend was sincerely apologetic and asked why I didn’t say something earlier. After our conversation, it never happened again.  

That experience taught me that you teach people how to treat you. -Nicole Boyle

 

• How was I setting a clear boundary in that situation? 

• Would you have handled it differently? What would you have changed?

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What Boundary Violations Look Like

Some boundary violations are easy to spot, while others may cause misery in your life without you realizing it’s a boundary violation. If the first step to solving a problem is noticing that a problem exists, how can we identify these kinds of boundary violations to put an end to them? We can start by listing some common boundaries we should have in our life. The ones we will focus on today are physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. 

Physical boundaries are quite easy to define for yourself and easy to identify when they have been violated. Let’s say that Mary has made a decision not to kiss on a first date. If she goes on a first date with Brad, and he tries to kiss her, it is easily understood when she sets a boundary and tells him, “I don’t want to kiss.” It is equally easy to identify a boundary violation if Brad still kisses her. It wouldn’t take Mary very long to realize that a boundary has been violated and begin to distance herself from this individual who has disrespected her boundaries. This is not to say that physical boundary violations are of less consequence than any other violations. Many individuals suffer from repeated physical boundary violations and need just as much help, intervention, and support to free themselves from such a relationship. 

Emotional boundaries are a little bit more difficult to see, and therefore more difficult to spot a violation. In their book Boundaries, Dr. Cloud and Townsend outline what is our emotional responsibility, and what someone else's emotional responsibility. Below is a list of these individual responsibilities, along with examples of a boundary violation against each responsibility: 

   

·      Feelings - Taking responsibility for another person’s feelings, such as “If I hadn't brought up this discussion, my boyfriend wouldn’t be so mad at me right now.” 

·      Attitudes and beliefs - Not questioning beliefs that cause discomfort, such as “I can’t ask for help as a mom, because all moms struggle through this on their own.” 

·      Behaviors – Not allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors. Instead of nagging little Timmy 15 times to bring his jacket to school, remind him once as he's packing up. If he decides he doesn't want to take it, he can suffer the natural consequence of being cold.

·      Choices – Not accepting the consequences of your choices, such as the flip side of the last example, if little Timmy chooses not to bring his jacket to school, then expects his mom to bring it to him on his lunch break. 

·      Limits – This is a common misconception about boundaries. People think that they can set limits on others, but really, we cannot control what others choose to do. However, we can set limits on what we will tolerate. A boundary violation would look like, “You can only have two beers tonight.” This is violating someone else’s choice to set their own limits. However, you can set limits on what you will tolerate by saying, “If you drink more than two beers tonight, I will remove myself from the situation by staying at my sister’s house until you’ve sobered up.” 

·      Thoughts – Not thinking for ourselves, such as following a political leader, church leader, teacher, or spouse without question and without giving space for thoughts of our own to decide if we agree with what is being said.

  

Everyone you encounter is equally responsible for their own feelings, attitudes, choices, limits, and so on. This is important to note because you might encounter individuals who try to tell you that you made them angry, or you made them act in a certain way. We need to remember that we cannot control how others decide to spend their time and resources, nor how they decide to think or feel. However, we also need to remember that it is not our responsibility to begin with. We can influence for good, but ultimately everyone must take responsibility for their own boundaries, and be mindful not to violate the boundaries of others. 

  

What can be some negative consequences for allowing the boundary violations to continue? 

(Photo by: Priscilla Du Pree)

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

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Is there a difference between an unhealthy boundary and a healthy boundary? Yes! 

Healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you as an individual, while an unhealthy boundary seeks to manipulate or harm you/another person. There are two kinds of people with poor boundaries: “those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others and those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions” (Manson, 2020). We can classify these people as the victim and the saver. The saver takes on too much responsibility in the relationship and is burdened down with the emotions/actions of the other individual (victim). The victim, for one reason or another, is too dependent on the saver and creates strain on the saver--sometimes unknowingly (Manson, 2020).  

Personal Example: It can be hard living with roommates. We come from different backgrounds, have different personalities, and different lifestyles. One of the biggest struggles I (Laura) have had with roommates over the years and one I've probably heard the most about from others is when it comes to cleaning. I wouldn’t say I am a clean freak (if you talk with my family, they can testify to that), but I do like living in a clean house. For me, it makes sense that when you make a mess, you clean it up. It makes sense that the living room is a communal hangout spot, not your bedroom. It makes sense that you wash your dishes and don’t eat other people’s food without their permission. However, just because these things make sense to me does not mean that it makes sense to other people. I have fallen into the trap in the past where when a roommate didn’t pick up a mess they made, I would do it. When they wouldn’t wash their dishes, I would do it for them. When they ate my food, I wouldn’t say anything. I did these things and said nothing in fear of confrontation and creating an awkward situation. Instead I stayed silent and continued doing what I thought was “service." As time went on those individuals recognized that I would pick up the slack for them and they stopped attempting to clean, because they figured I would just do it for them. My service-oriented attitude began to wane, and I became slightly bitter towards those roommates. If I hadn’t been silent and would’ve communicated early on with those roommates, we wouldn’t have fallen into an unhealthy relationship with poor boundaries, me the saver, and them the victim. It wasn’t until later that I recognized the pattern that I was in and recognized that a change needed to occur. I am responsible for my own emotions and actions and not for the emotions and actions of others. When I realized this, I was able to take back control of my life and work on establishing healthy boundaries with my roommates.  -Laura Clements 

 

Whether you’re the saver or victim in a marriage, friendship, courtship, in-law, etc. relationship, you can take control of your life and take the necessary steps to turn unhealthy boundaries into healthy ones.  

It is so important to establish healthy boundaries now. “If you don’t establish healthy boundaries, you end up owning other peoples’ problems” (Cloud & Townsend, 2008). Some of you are parents, professionals, college students, and more, and you already have so much on your plate. Do you really want to have the extra burden of carrying baggage around from an unhealthy relationship in your life? Take the step today to take control of your relationships by establishing healthy boundaries and making it clear to the other person about what is dysfunctional in your relationship and steps that can be taken to fix it.  

Don’t worry, you don’t have to go and start telling everyone that you know what they are doing wrong and need to change. (Actually, we recommend not doing it that way.) Rather, recognize that in every relationship, there are two sides to every story and each participant plays a part. Remember that “boundaries tell us: who owns it, who controls it, and who is responsible for it" (Cloud & Townsend, 2008).  

Today we’ve given you just a brief introduction to boundaries and your role in setting them. Hopefully, you recognize that there is hope and that you don’t need to fear them. Each week we’ll dive a little more into the principles of boundaries and help you learn how to apply these principles in your various relationships.  

Invitation for Action

Now that you recognize the signs of unhealthy and healthy boundaries. We’d like to leave you with a commitment this week to come up with a personal written list of relationships that you feel could be improved in your life through the setting of healthy everyday boundaries.

References

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2008). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no. Zondervan.

Manson, M. (2020, June 18). The guide to strong boundaries. Mark Manson. https://markmanson.net/boundaries