Lesson 5: The Benefits of Reinforcing Your Boundaries (and Q&A)

This is our final lesson! We hope you have benefitted from what you've learned so far. In this lesson, we will explain the benefits of boundaries to help reduce potential guilt in setting boundaries. We will also discuss what to do if someone continuously violates your boundaries after you've set them. Lastly, we have gathered your questions throughout these lessons and have the answers below! Enjoy!

Benefits of Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is critical to creating healthy relationships. They help you define your needs, limits, and what you are responsible for in the relationship. They also help protect you from letting another person or situation determine your thoughts, feelings, or needs.  

 “Setting boundaries in a relationship implies your attempt to continue the relationship in a healthy way. It’s not an attempt to hurt the other person.” 

-Shilpa 


How do boundaries benefit your relationships?  

Work relationships

-When employees understand what is expected, unintentional mistakes are made less.  

-Communication is a vital part of any workplace. When clear boundaries are set, arguments, disagreements, and misunderstandings are all reduced.  

-Setting clear emotional boundaries in the workplace has also been shown to increase overall satisfaction (Ahmed, 2020). 


Romantic relationships

 -Setting clear boundaries in a romantic relationship helps define where you and your partner begin and end as individuals.

-Boundaries go both ways. Just as you would like your partner to respect your needs and limits, you must do the same for them.

-Healthy boundaries help partners communicate more effectively and helps to eliminate blame.  

-It enables each person to take responsibility for their own needs, feelings, and reactions (Ngolo, 2020).



Familial relationships

-Modeling healthy boundaries for your children will enable them to practice setting their own boundaries throughout their life.  

-Setting and maintaining boundaries with your in-laws can be difficult. However, if done clearly and respectfully, it can strengthen the relationship and the benefits from that relationship for everyone (Faulkner, 2019). 

-Boundaries help young people develop a sense of self-control, feel cared for and safe.  

-They also help parents recognize that they are separate from their children. This not only protects the relationship between the spouses but helps each person maintain personal autonomy (Setting Boundaries). 


Something I (Nicole) have come to understand as I have tried to set boundaries in my own relationships is that just because you set and try to enforce a boundary doesn’t mean that other people will understand the importance of respecting it. Even after you do the work to understand your needs and limits in a relationship, boundaries still get violated.  



So, what do you do when that happens?


Reinforcing Your Boundaries


The beauty of correct boundary-setting is that you are not trying to make someone else change their behavior. You are informing them of how you will respond to their actions. If you spend time with a friend who constantly makes fun of your weight, setting a boundary with her doesn't sound like, "Cara, you can't keep calling me fat." You don't get to dictate Cara's actions. A correct boundary sounds like, "Cara, I will not spend my time with someone who degrades my body. If you make another fat joke about me, I will leave." 

    This next step is important though: if Cara calls you fat again, LEAVE! If you don't follow through with the boundary you set, it can cause even more damage because you just taught Cara that she has control over you and that you will let her walk all over your boundary "fence." It might be scary to leave Cara, but this is why you set up a support group in Lesson 3! You know that if Cara continues to call you fat instead of valuing your friendship, you have your support group to fall back on; Cara isn't the only connection you are depending on. 

    This approach of communicating what you will do if they continue to violate a boundary serves two purposes: it clearly explains where your boundary "fence" is. This clear picture of what you'll include in your life and what you will not helps people understand where they stand with you. The second purpose is that it puts the ball in their court. You've made it clear what your limits are, and it's their turn to decide if they want to keep you in their lives by respecting your boundaries or if they have other priorities. This approach will make it easier to sort out who is using you and who values your relationship with them. 

Sources

Ahmed, A. (2020, July 28). What Are the Benefits of Boundaries in the Workplace? Small Business - Chron.com. https://smallbusiness.chron.com/benefits-boundaries-workplace-10748.html.  

Faulkner, K. (2019, February 4). The Benefits of Boundaries. Health Scope. https://healthscopemag.com/health-scope/the-benefits-of-boundaries/.  

Help us match the right counselor for you. Better Help. https://www.betterhelp.com/helpme/?utm_source=AdWords.  

Ngolo, F. (2020, July 16). Why Boundaries Are Important in Relationships. Thrive Global. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/why-boundaries-are-important-in-relationships/.  

Setting Boundaries. Setting Boundaries - Strong Bonds - Building Family Connections. http://www.strongbonds.jss.org.au/handling/boundaries.html.  

Questions & Answers

Throughout the course of writing these lessons, we (Laura, Nicole, and Britta) have received a number of questions regarding boundary-setting. We recorded some videos of us answering some of these questions, and have some links to sections in our previous lessons that we hope will help answer some of the other questions we didn't have a chance to answer on video. We hope this helps!

Question #1
What do you do when someone you want to maintain a relationship with (a family member) keeps violating a boundary after talking with them multiple times?
Does it matter if you are ready to enforce a boundary but the other person is not ready to accept it?

In this video, we reference:




Question #2
My roommates keep using my shampoo and face wash. How should I set clear but kind boundaries? They're still my friends.

In this video, we reference: 




Question #3
My in-laws feel like they can parent my daughter and it really bothers me. What can I do?

In this video, we reference:



Question #4
My in-laws frequently call my husband to check up on him-see if he’s doing chores, doing well at work, and if he’s getting homework done. My husband is so used to it that it doesn’t phase him, but it feels really controlling to me and definitely results in him feeling anxiety and shame. How can I help them understand that he’s an adult and doesn’t need their supervision. They’ve always been this way and I fear that the conversation will hurt the relationship but not actually change anything.

In this video, we reference:
Hurt vs. Harm (learn more about this principle from Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend here)




Question #5
I'm 25 and still not married. My parents always ask me how dating is going and if I'm really trying to find a husband. This really bothers me. What can I do?

In this video, we reference:




Question #6
My supervisor frequently tells me things about her personal life but with much apprehension. I think she wants to give the persona that she has boundaries but also wants to build rapport and not only talk about work. Should I let her know that she doesn’t need to be uncomfortable sharing things about her life with me? Or is there a reason to be concerned about professional boundaries?

Here are some insights based on sections in previous lessons you may find helpful:
  • You are responsible for setting boundaries that clearly mark what you are comfortable with (Lesson 2). If you are comfortable with personal disclosures, your openness and reciprocity to her disclosures will indicate that. 
  • If you are more comfortable with only professional conversation, then it is your responsibility to communicate that boundary to her. SMARTER conversations (Lesson 4) can help with initiating a conversation about that boundary.

Question #7
When is it okay to say no, and how do you do that? That is very hard for me to do, especially when I am in a family or church setting. I feel so obligated to say yes to SO many things that I'd like to say no to, because it may put a lot of strain on me and my life or even my husband. I guess just trying to find that line of where is saying no considered selfishness or when is it okay.
I find that when I do say no to people, I have so much guilt come over me and one tiny situation can stay with me for months and months at a time. I replay situations in my head over and over again because I'm so worried that I might have offended them.

Here are some insights based on sections in previous lessons you may find helpful:
  • Learning what you are responsible for and what others are responsible for (Lesson 1) will help you understand that boundaries are not "selfish," but simply a means of taking responsibility for what is yours. For example, you are responsible for your choices. If someone asks you to spend 12 hours a week helping with a project, you can't blame them if you say yes. That was your choice.
  • If you start only saying "yes" on your terms and not to please others, it will make your capacity to give to others much stronger! Remember: you can't give from an empty bucket. Taking time for yourself will help replenish you to be able to help others more effectively.
  • It might be helpful to set limits on yourself if you tend to spread yourself too thin. Consider how much time you can dedicate to serving others (such as 1 hour a day or 4 hours a week), and then choose which areas you want to divide that between. This will help you find what you'd like to prioritize in your life.
  • If you find it hard to get out of the habit of always saying "yes," a support person (Lesson 3) like your husband or a trusted friend can help hold you accountable. They can check in on you and make sure you're sticking to the boundaries you set on yourself.

Question #8
How about when your employer asks you to come in on your day off because they are short staffed? You know you can say no, but the idea of doing so is terrifying because you don’t want your co-workers to suffer by working short-staffed.

Here are some insights based on sections in previous lessons you may find helpful:
  • Defining your negotiables and non-negotiables (Lesson 4) may help with this dilemma. Having compassion for your struggling co-workers may persuade you to be flexible in some areas you wouldn't necessarily be otherwise (such as agreeing to come in for a limited amount of time). 
  • However, if you do decide you will come in occasionally, it is important to keep an eye out for the warning signs of your needs not being met (Lesson 2).
  • If you are experiencing any warning signs, remember that it is YOUR job to change your circumstances (through setting boundaries) to eliminate these negative feelings (Autonomy - Lesson 3). Continuing in this way may create unwanted resentment toward your co-workers.


Question #9
How can I have the courage to navigate worthiness interviews with clergy firmly yet tactfully? There’s some serious potential for boundary violations there.

Here are some insights based on sections in previous lessons you may find helpful:

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