Lesson 4: How to Set Boundaries
The first half of this lesson is an overview. To see how it applies to your specific relationship click on this link to be directed to more options.
In lesson three, we covered the importance of setting limits, personal autonomy, and the need for a support system when you want to set a boundary. Now, let's get into how you effectively communicate that boundary.
“The biggest communication problem is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply.”
-Stephen Covey
Four Types of Communication
Verbal communication occurs when we are speaking with another person. It can be face to face, over the phone, zoom, etc. It has to do with the words you are speaking and how you say them. This includes tone, pitch, cadence, and overall meaning.
Non-verbal communication includes facial expressions, eye contact, posture, body language, and even the distance between the people interacting with one another. A persons’ non-verbal communication can often say more than the words they are speaking.
Written communication is defined as any type of interaction that makes use of the written word. This can be formal, like a work email; or informal, like a tweet.
Active listening requires a person to give their full attention to the person that is speaking, understand their message, and respond (not react) thoughtfully.
“The tone with which you say something, can determine whether you are heard. The persons brain is saying “Are you for me or against me?""
Dr. Henry Cloud
Negotiable and Non-Negotiable Boundaries
An important part of preparing for your boundary conversations is knowing beforehand what you are willing to be flexible on and what you are not willing to budge on.
We will call these areas your “negotiables” and “non-negotiables.”
John Gottman defines negotiables as “all parts of the issue where you can be flexible,” and non-negotiables as parts of the boundary that would “[violate] your basic needs or core values” if not respected (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
The reason it’s important to define these areas before your conversation is because many individuals will be comfortable with pushing your boundary limits when you try to set any limits with them. By having a clear picture of what you can budge on and what you can’t, you will have the tools to prevent the boundary-pusher from talking you out of the limits you are trying to set.
Some things to consider while listing your negotiables are:
What you can say yes to?
What time or resources you’re willing to dedicate to this situation or relationship?
What you may have to give up if you say “yes” to something—your priorities?
Some things to consider while listing your non-negotiables are:
The core need (as discussed in Lesson 3) that is not currently being met.
The steps that need to be taken to meet that need.
What you are not willing to give up in order to keep the relationship intact.
Learn to Say No (and practice!)
Some people you set boundaries with may ask prying questions or have requests to try and test your limits. Something that may seem like an innocent question or request may be an attempt to poke holes in your boundary fence that you’ve set up with them. In order to keep the fence secure, you will have to learn how to say “no.” This may seem like a straightforward task, but one of the most important—and most challenging—parts of this step is to learn how to say no and not offer further explanation.
The more of an explanation you give someone for your “no,” the more of an opportunity you are giving them to challenge your “no.”
Personal Experience: I (Britta) had a pushy and manipulative coworker at one of my previous jobs. She always had outrageous requests to test the extent of people’s compliance to her demands. She would say things like, “I don’t want my lunch. Let’s trade,” and literally try to take my lunch out of my hands. This behavior was so extreme and unfamiliar to me that I often didn’t know how to react (don’t worry, I didn’t let her take my lunch). One day, she told me that she wanted my personal cell phone number. I knew I didn’t want her to have my personal number because then the outrageous requests would follow me home as well. However, I didn’t want to be rude, so I tried to soften the blow of my “no.”
Here's how the conversation went:
Me: “Sorry, I don’t give my number to coworkers.”
Her: “I thought we were friends too, not just coworkers.”
Me: “Yeah, but I also just don’t answer my phone that often.”
Her: “Well I’ll just text you so you can reply when you see it.”
As you can see, I was grasping at straws to try to wiggle my way out of an uncomfortable situation while trying to stay true to my “no,” and she was determined to convince me that my “no” wasn’t valid. It would have been much easier on me, and more honest and straightforward to her if I would have kept my “no” simple without trying to explain myself or come up with excuses. This also prevents people from poking holes in your reasoning. Here are some simple phrases you can use to keep your “no” simple:
That’s not something I want to do.
I’m not interested in that.
That’s not going to work for me.
If you encounter someone who just won’t stop prying for a further explanation, don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, and keep it vague. If you say, “I’m not interested in that," “that’s not something I’m interested in," and “that does not sound interesting to me,” eventually they will realize that you aren’t going to budge and will move on.
This is what is known as an “I” statement. It’s a style of communication that focuses on the thoughts and feelings of the speaker, rather than the listener. They allow the speaker to be assertive without making accusations that often lead the listeners to feeling defensive.
With that in mind, let’s look at a few examples of how you can phrase a boundary in common situations.
Example #1: Your boss keeps scheduling you alone for the late shifts with no back-up options.
Rather than telling your boss your concerns, getting upset, and quitting abruptly, you can set a firm by respectful boundary with your boss by saying:
I feel uncomfortable and unsafe when you schedule me alone. If this continues, I’ll have to find another job.
Example 2: Your partner has been coming home late the last two weeks without notice. Instead of demanding to know “Why they are never home on time.” You can get the information you need while also setting a boundary for future behavior by saying:
I feel worried and disrespected when you come home late without calling. I need you to call me from now on if you aren’t going to be home on time.
Example 3: Your roommate is always coming into your room without your permission. You can set a clear boundary by saying:
I feel uncomfortable when you come into my room unannounced. I need you to knock beforehand from now on.
When used correctly, “I” statement can help you communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully without causing contention in your relationships.
Can you think of a situation where an “I” statements would have helped you set a boundary?
Learning how to set healthy boundaries can be overwhelming. In this lesson alone, we've covered the different types of communication and why they are important, how to determine what you are willing to accept and not accept in your relationships, and different ways you can communicate what you need.
You may be feeling like you know what you need to do but don't know how to start.
SMARTER Communication:
We need to be smart when it comes to setting boundaries through communication. We’ve all fallen trap to putting our foot in our mouth by saying one thing, but then meaning another, or by saying we’ll do something but then never following through.
George T. Doran, consultant and former Director of Corporate Planning for Washington Waterpower Company, published the paper “There’s a S.M.A.R.T Way to Write Management Goals and Objectives” in 1981. In his article, he breaks down and teaches how we can set smart goals to improve our functioning.
However, for the purpose of boundary setting, we’ve repurposed the SMART goals and turned it into SMARTER communication when setting boundaries.
Here’s just a few things to think about before, during, and after you communicate the new boundaries with the desired person.
Specific
Your communication with the offender of your boundaries should be clear and specific, otherwise, you won't be able to focus your efforts or feel truly motivated to have the much-needed conversation. When preparing to have this conversation, think of the five W’s:
What do you want to accomplish from the conversation?
Why is this conversation important?
Who is involved in the conversation?
Where is the conversation going to take place?
Which resources will be used to make this conversation effective?
Measurable
You should be able to measure how well the conversation is going and how clear the boundaries are being accepted. When preparing to have this conversation, think of the measurable aspects of the conversation through questions such as:
How is it being received (good or bad)?
How will I know if they accept the boundaries I've set in place?
How will I know if the conversation was effective?
How long will these boundaries be in effect?
Assignable/Achievable
For the conversation to be effective, you need to be realistic with the boundaries you are setting (have them be achievable) and clear on the roles that need to take place for them to be affective. In other words, specify who will do what. This doesn’t mean that you compromise on what boundaries you need to set to keep you feeling safe. It means that you recognize your role and follow through with what you say is, going to happen. When you assign and set achievable roles within the conversation you might be able to discover previously missed opportunities or resources that can help in establishing healthy boundaries. When preparing to have this conversation think of the following questions:
How can I accomplish this conversation?
How realistic are the boundaries that I am setting through this conversation?
What roles should be assigned regarding boundaries through this conversation?
What immediate and long-term results do you want to see from this conversation?
Relevant
This step is about making sure the boundary conversation is important to you and that it aligns with your overall objective. When preparing to have this conversation think of Relevant communication and see if you can answer “yes” to the following questions:
Does this conversation seem worthwhile?
Does this boundary conversation match and cover all my needs?
Is this the right time/place for this boundary?
Is this boundary conversation applicable to my current situation?
Time
When setting boundaries through conversation, there needs to be a clear start date, whether that means immediately or during the next encounter. When setting boundaries, you may have to ask for time apart from the other individual. If this happens, it is okay. Let them know how long you will need to be apart, when you’d be willing to meet again, and under what circumstances. Be clear on the time and the requirements to meet once again. When preparing to have this conversation think of the following time criteria questions and be ready to answer them:
When?
Where?
What unmet needs need to be met before you can meet/speak again?
Evaluated
After you’ve had the boundary talk, it’s good to evaluate how the conversation went and to what extent your overall objective of the conversation was achieved. Were you able to stick to the topic and not be manipulated by their counter words? Sometimes, a first attempt may not be successful, and you may need to have this conversation again. Sometimes the offender will react negatively, and you may need to distance yourself from this individual until they are ready to commit to the boundaries you’ve set. This is okay. Just remember you have your support system, and they will help you through this process. Ponder over the following questions to evaluate how your communication of boundaries went:
Did the boundary offender accept the terms that came about from the conversation?
Does there need to be further discussion/action with the offender?
Do you feel that you said everything that you wanted to clearly?
Reviewed
It’s been a while since you communicated the boundaries that were being broken and established new ones with the offender. Now that you’ve had a chance to put these boundaries into practice, how have they gone? Do they need to be updated or reinforced? Are you following through and sticking with the boundary and everything you said you would do in the discussion? Ponder over the following questions to evaluate how well you are committing to the boundaries you communicated to the offender and adjust if necessary:
How well have you followed through with enforcing the boundaries you’ve communicated?
What behavioral adjustments might you need to make in order to follow through with the boundaries you’ve communicated and not be manipulated into bending them?
After some time with the boundaries in place, do you feel as though your needs are now being met? If not, what still needs to change?
Do you need to have another conversation to re-establish boundaries or set new ones?
Invitation for Action: As with most new skills, it's never a bad idea to start by taking inventory. This week, we would like you to think about how you currently communicate your boundaries. What are you willing to accept and not accept from your relationships?
And when you're ready, follow the steps above to set a boundary through S.M.A.R.T.E.R. Communication.
Please click any of the following links to be taken to the part of the lesson that gives more information on relationships that apply to your life.
Parent/In-Laws
The first time you met your In-laws, your main goal was most likely to impress them. You wanted to make a good impression and show them that you were the right choice for their son or daughter and because of this you were probably very accommodating. However, after a few years of marriage and possibly some children, you will come to realize that this is not sustainable. Whether you are new to the family or have been married for twenty years, setting clear boundaries with your in-laws is vital. Understanding your negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries is an important step when establishing boundaries with your In-laws. Let’s take a look at the following scenarios to understand the difference between a negotiable area of a boundary and a non-negotiable area of a boundary.
Spouse
We are now at the action stage of communication and this will be the scariest part! You might be afraid of how your spouse will react to what you have to say, but just know that you need to say it and that you are not alone. You have the support system that you established in the last lesson to help you with this next part.
Communication is key to a long successful marriage. Setting clear limits and guidelines help ensure that both you and your spouse know where the line is in each situation and the expectations with them. This enables you to both, have your needs met and meet your partner's needs.
Communicating boundaries in a marriage can be difficult and scary, but it is not impossible. As with most change, changing the “norm” of your relationship, especially if it’s something that has gone on for a significant amount of time, can be a vulnerable place for you or your spouse to be in.
A key thing to remember when communicating with your spouse about the boundaries you need in your relationship is SMARTER communication. This is essentially pondering over your conversation before, during and after it happens (refer to earlier in the lesson to know more). Some important aspects of this conversation with your spouse include negotiables and non-negotiables and learning to say no. Remember no one is to blame during the conversation, you are simply recognizing both of your roles for the lack of boundaries and setting new guidelines and roles to enforce the new boundary. Follow the link below to practice recognizing negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries in a marriage.
Children/Parenting
Communicating boundaries with your children is much different than communicating boundaries with other individuals, because children are still learning to develop a sense of self, and develop responsibility, as discussed in Lesson 1. These conversations about boundaries are less of a one or two-time boundary setting “talk,” and more of a continuous training with your child of what boundaries look like, and the consequences that come from violating boundaries. Two of the most important things to communicate to your children while teaching them the framework of boundaries are:
They can communicate their boundaries without a withdrawal of love from you.
There are natural consequences for their actions.
- (shutterstock.com)
Here is why the first principle, your child can communicate their boundaries without a withdrawal of love from you, is so important. If a toddler says they do not want a hug from you and you go away and sulk, you are teaching your child that they have two options: hold to their boundaries (not wanting physical touch at the moment) and lose their parent’s love, or deny themselves of setting personal boundaries to keep the relationship intact. This dilemma can affect a child far into their older years. If they learn to set aside their boundaries to keep relationship with others, they can end up being walked all over in their adult life (Cloud & Townsend, 2008).
The second principle, there are natural consequences for their actions, is important because it teaches that although your children are responsible for their behaviors, they cannot control the outcome of the choices they make. For example, if your teenager wants to stay up until 2 in the morning playing video games, they may have that choice, but they cannot control the exhaustion they may experience at school the next day. This is why it is important to allow our children to experience the consequences of their actions and avoid trying to “save” them from the bad decisions they make (Cloud & Townsend, 2008).
Let’s take a look at some common parenting situations and decide which approach will encourage the understanding of boundaries:
Dating
Preparing yourself for communicating your boundaries in dating is so important to have a successful dating relationship. Since dating involves getting to know an individual who you likely haven’t had many interactions before, it is imperative that you let it be known off-the-bat how you expect to be treated and respected. This can be done by using SMARTER communication and evaluating your negotiables and non-negotiables.
The first step to using SMARTER communication is to define which areas of your dating relationship with which you would like to set boundaries. Is it physical boundaries in dating? The way you would like to be spoken to? The amount of time you would like to spend with this person? As you define these areas of boundary-setting, you will be able to move through the steps of SMARTER communication, as listed earlier in this lesson.
Negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries are a critical part of dating. It may be easy once you start falling for someone to rationalize some “deal-breaker” behaviors. However, if you have decided what your non-negotiable (AKA deal-breakers) are, it can make picking a partner much easier and safer. Lets' look at the following scenarios to understand the difference between a negotiable area of a boundary and a non-negotiable area of a boundary:
Peers
We are now at the action stage of communication and this will be the scariest part! You might be afraid of how your peers will react to what you have to say, but just know that you need to say it and that you are not alone. You have the support system that you established in the last lesson to help you with this next part.
Communication is key to a long successful friendship. Setting clear limits and guidelines help ensure that both you and your friend know where the line is in each situation and the expectations with them. This enables you to both, have your needs met and meet your colleagues needs.
Communicating boundaries in a friendship can be difficult and scary, but it is not impossible. As with most change, changing the “norm” of your relationship, especially if it’s something that has gone on for a significant amount of time, can be a vulnerable place for you or your friend to be in.
A key thing to remember when communicating with your peer about the boundaries, you need in your relationship is SMARTER communication. This is essentially pondering over your conversation before, during and after it happens (refer to earlier in the lesson to know more). Some important aspects of this conversation with your friend include negotiables and non-negotiables and learning to say no. Remember no one is to blame during the conversation, you are simply recognizing both of your roles for the lack of boundaries and setting new guidelines and roles to enforce the new boundary. Follow the link below to practice recognizing negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries in a peer relationship.
Sources
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2008). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no. Zondervan.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock. In The seven principles for making marriage work (pp. 254-255). New York: Harmony Books.
Five Types of Communication. Goodwin College of Professional Studies. (2018, July 12). https://drexel.edu/goodwin/professional-studies-blog/overview/2018/July/Five-types-of-communication/.
Haughey, D. (2014). A Brief History of SMART Goals. Project Smart. https://www.projectsmart.co.uk/brief-history-of-smart-goals.php.
"I" Message. GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. (2018, February 14). https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message.
SMART Goals: – How to Make Your Goals Achievable. Time Management Training From MindTools.com. https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm.
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