Lesson 2: The Need for Boundaries

Hopefully after last lesson, you understand more clearly what a boundary is, the different forms boundary violations can take, and how to spot the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. The next step on your journey to healthy boundary-setting is to identify areas in your life that may be improved with the setting of boundaries. We will refer to these as warning signs, since they warn us that a boundary needs to be set, or a boundary is being violated. 

  

Resentment – Is there a relationship in your life that every time they call you, approach you, or ask you for something you immediately become defensive, and try to find an excuse to say no before they even finish asking the question? 

Feeling like the victim – Do you find yourself complaining to others about how so-and-so “made” you do something, or find yourself thinking how they will impose on your time and space next?   

Feeling disrespected or undervalued – Is there someone in your life that you feel like you bend over backwards for, but never get anything in return—not even a simple “thank you”? 

Fear of being abandoned – Do you do things for this person not out of love, but to try to make them stay in your life? 

These warning signs are good indicators that a relationship could use some clear boundaries. 

Please remember: if you are experiencing any of these negative feelings or experiences in a relationship, it is your responsibility to change the factors in your life that are causing these negative feelings. 

Now this might be a hard pill to swallow, so get ready. YOU, and you alone should take responsibility for your feelings. If any of these warning signs are coming up in a relationship, it is YOUR job to change the dynamic through setting boundaries. No one else will fix it for you, so don’t point fingers at whose fault this really is.

Since the first step to changing the dynamic is to recognize that there is a problem, this is what this lesson is focusing on: recognizing the warning signs that indicate a problem. We will show you how to begin this change in the upcoming lessons.

Photo by: Priscilla Du Preez

 

The “why” of setting boundaries

Boundaries are not a “one size fits all” solution. Boundaries in a friendship are going to look different than boundaries with a co-worker. Boundaries within a marriage are going to look different than boundaries with your in-laws. However, that doesn’t diminish the importance of setting them.  

Why are setting boundaries important? Why are you here, now? 

Self-Esteem 

Generally, the higher self-esteem a person has, the more well defined their boundaries are, because they know what they deserve. Being self-aware is key in building self-esteem. Part of that self-awareness is understanding what your core values are.  “Your values define what you stand for, the rules you live your life by and are reflected in your behavior. Boundaries help us put those values into action” (Ritchie, 2012).

What are your core values?  

Do you think they help or harm your ability to set clear boundaries? 

 

Research has found that “self-esteem based on external sources has mental health consequences” (Crocker, 2002). I like to think of boundaries as the ultimate form of self-care. Setting boundaries empowers you to take control over your own actions and recognize other’s actions, without tying them to your self-worth. 

Boundaries=Safety 

Jenn Kennedy, LMFT said, “boundaries give a sense of agency over one’s physical space, body, and feelings. We all have limits, and boundaries communicate that line” (Chesak, 2019).

Boundaries keep you safe by… 

-       Helping to find and keep your voice

-       Managing interactions with others

-       Giving a sense of control over your reactions

-       Provide guidelines for what you will accept in any situation

Boundaries aren’t binding

 “When boundaries are too rigid or inflexible, problems can occur” (Chesak, 2019). 

Here are some examples of rigid boundaries and soft boundaries, both of which can be problematic if taken to the extreme.

(Baldwin, 2019)

You don’t want to get in the habit of drawing your boundaries with a permanent marker. As with any other topic, as you learn more about how to set healthy boundaries in all areas of life, you have the power to adjust your boundaries. 

  

Boundaries allow us to grow 

A common misconception is that setting clear boundaries closes you off. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Boundary setting can be a gateway to healthy and safe connection. If done correctly being vulnerable, in any capacity, with someone you feel comfortable with can be a great way to grow in your self-confidence, in a friendship or in a relationship. 

You may be thinking to yourself, “If done correctly? Can someone be too vulnerable?”

  

Learning the difference between genuine vulnerability and oversharing is a vital part of setting and communicating boundaries. 

Vulnerability brings people closer together and leaves them feeling more connected.  

Oversharing does the opposite. It’s an uncomfortable and leaves both parties malcontent. 

Now, a little overshare occasionally won’t do damage. We are all guilty of this from time to time. However, understanding the difference and recognizing if you are doing it allows you to grow in your own boundary setting and in respecting other people's boundaries. 

What is your personal “why” for wanting to improve how you set boundaries in your life? 

What am I Responsible For?

Remember in the last lesson Nicole explained in a video about what a boundary is, using the fence analogy? Here is something else to think about: 

It’s important to recognize that you are responsible for your own emotions, thoughts and actions and no one else’s. This means not feeling guilty about setting limits with other people for your own peace of mind. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of Boundaries (2008), refer to this concept as the law of responsibility. It’s when you recognize that those you set boundaries with are responsible for themselves and you for yourself. 

You cannot rescue someone who does not wish to be saved without having to do it over and over again. When we allow others to push past our comfort zones, we are actually reinforcing this behavior pattern, much like with operant conditioning. Operant conditioning is a psychology term used as an associative learning process by which the strength of a behavior is modified by reinforcement/reward or punishment. So, any time that a boundary is being pushed and you do nothing to dissuade it, you are actually reinforcing, or rewarding, the behavior that is occurring. Punishment as a modifying behavior doesn’t have to be with a negative connotation. It simply means being brave enough to speak up for yourself and placing limits in your relationship as a means to modify the current boundary-pushing behavior into a setting with healthy boundaries—we’ll talk more about how to do this in subsequent lessons.

Can you recognize any relationship patterns in your life where you might be rewarding the behavior of others to push boundaries within your relationship? 

What are some things you think you can do to dissuade this reinforcement?  

You don’t have control of what another person does, but you do have control over what you do. If someone is being too emotionally, physically, or mentally dependent upon you, you have the right to set limits to make you feel comfortable and safe. 

Some people might think that the idea of setting boundaries is selfish or self-centered. We’re here to tell you that it’s not! 

We are meant to love one another, but we are not meant to drag one another down, or to allow others to drag us down. You should not feel guilty for setting limits. In fact, sometimes tough love is needed to strengthen a relationship.

Photo by: Priscilla Du Preez

In order for any relationship to thrive there can’t be feelings of resentment, victimhood, disrespect/undervaluation, or fear of being abandoned.  Setting boundaries can help remedy these negative feelings. In beginning the work to set boundaries, recognize that you are not a bad person or selfish for feeling this way or for wanting something to change. If you feel like you are sinking in your relationships, then you are not able to fully be there for the other person. The best way to help them is by helping yourself by communicating your limits in the relationship.

Today we’ve given you a bit more to think about in regard to the following: recognizing the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship, understanding the reason for why we set boundaries, and taking responsibility for yourself when it comes to boundaries and not feeling guilty for it. Below are a few situational boundaries that can apply to various relationships such as: parents and in-laws, spouses, dating, parenting at various ages, and peers. 

Please click any of the following links to be taken to the part of the lesson that gives more information on relationships that apply to your life!
Parents or In-Laws
Spouse
Dating
Children (various ages)
Peers

Invitation for Action: 

Last week after reviewing the lesson we asked you to create a list of relationships that you feel could be improved in your life. 

This week you should have learned about recognizing the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship, understanding the reason for why we set boundaries, and taking responsibility for yourself when it comes to boundaries, and not feeling guilty for it. So now we’d like to leave you with a commitment to choose one of the relationships you wrote down last week and now write down what warning signs are indicating that the boundaries in that relationship are being pushed. Next lesson, we are going to start constructing your metaphorical fence. 

Parent/in-law relationship

 As an adult, creating boundaries with a parent or in-laws can be awkward and hard to do. You have your own autonomy and life that you have established away from those immediate family members. You are also embarking on creating your own family with its own set of rules and traditions. You love and respect your parents and in-laws but that doesn’t mean that you necessarily want to do everything their way. 

You may struggle with a parent that is too involved in your life, or an in-law that is too involved in yours and your spouse’s life. You may feel pressured to do things the way that your parents or in-laws do and not feel free to do things your own way (such as holiday traditions, house rules, parenting, etc.). You love your family, but you don’t want to offend them by coming off as ungrateful.

Boundaries with parents and in-laws can be a tough line to draw. We will go further into how to draw these boundary lines in our upcoming lessons, but in this lesson, let’s look at where these lines need to be drawn.  

Let’s look back to the “warning signs” we learned about earlier: resentment, feeling like the victim, feeling disrespected, and fear of being abandoned. Use this quiz to see if you can identify which warning sign is showing up in each scenario. 

Now it’s time to reflect on your relationships. Once you have identified one (or many) of these warning signs in your parental or in-law relationship, you will have a basis to build off of in learning how to create healthy boundaries in our next lesson. Remember: your parent or in-law is not causing these negative feelings or “warning signs.” This is not a blame game. The cause of these warning signs is the lack of boundaries in your relationship. If you are experiencing these warning signs, it is YOUR JOB to fix it and NOT feel guilty doing so! 

  

Spouse 

Boundaries in marriage are a tough line to draw. Once married, husbands and wives become accustomed to the phrase “What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.”  Remember in Lesson 1, we learned that boundaries act as a way to define what is your responsibility, and what is your spouse’s responsibility. But how do we keep these responsibilities separate if we share everything?  

We will go further into how to draw these boundary lines in our upcoming lessons, but in this lesson, let’s look at where these lines need to be drawn. 

Let’s look back to the “warning signs” we learned about earlier: resentment, feeling like the victim, feeling disrespected, and fear of being abandoned. Use this quiz to see if you can identify which warning sign is showing up in each scenario. 

Now it’s time to reflect on your relationships. Once you have identified one (or many) of these warning signs in your marriage, you will have a basis to build off of in learning how to create healthy boundaries in our next lesson. Remember: your spouse is not causing these negative feelings or “warning signs.” This is not a blame game. The cause of these warning signs is the lack of boundaries in your relationship. If you are experiencing these warning signs, it is YOUR JOB to fix it and NOT feel guilty doing so! 

Dating

Do you feel like people take advantage of you? Do you feel like you are always having to “save people? Do you find yourself more invested or attracted to a person than you should for the length of time you’ve known them? Do you get so involved in the person you are dating at the time that you neglect the other relationships in your life? Dating can and should be fun, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Having a lack of boundaries can leave all parties involved unhappy and unsatisfied. 

  

Setting boundaries while dating can be difficult though. You have your own autonomy and life away from this person. Dating involved blending that autonomy with another person's. Knowing how and when to establish what boundaries while dating someone can be really overwhelming. We will go further into how to draw these boundary lines in our upcoming lessons, but in this lesson, let’s look at where these lines need to be drawn. Use this quiz to see if you can identify which warning sign is showing up in each scenario. 

Now it’s time to reflect on your relationships. Let’s look back to the “warning signs” we learned about earlier: resentment, feeling like the victim, feeling disrespected, and fear of being abandoned. Once you have identified one (or many) of these warning signs in your dating relationships, you will have a basis to build off of in learning how to create healthy boundaries in our next lesson. Remember: the person you’re dating is not causing these negative feelings or “warning signs.” This is not a blame game. The cause of these warning signs is the lack of boundaries in your relationship. If you are experiencing these warning signs, it is YOUR JOB to fix it and NOT feel guilty doing so! 

Children (various ages) 

Do you struggle with your child(ren) being overly attached, not using their own autonomy, needing too much from you and not having enough time for yourself? Do you struggle telling your child “no”? Do you struggle with feeling pressure to be the “perfect” parent no matter the cost to you? You don’t want to come off as being labeled a “bad parent” and damage or traumatize your kid(s), so instead you find yourself in a rut wondering what to do now with your kids. 

As a parent creating boundaries with your child(ren) can be hard to do. You have your own autonomy and a life that you have established away from your children, but as a parent you still have the responsibility to care and nurture your child. You love and want/should care for your children, but that doesn’t mean that you have to stop being you. 

Creating boundaries with your kids can be a tough line to draw. We will go further into how to draw these boundary lines in our upcoming lessons, but in this lesson, let’s look at where these lines need to be drawn. Let’s look back to the “warning signs” we learned about earlier: resentment, feeling like the victim, feeling disrespected, and fear of being abandoned. Use this quiz to see if you can identify which warning sign is showing up in each scenario. 

Now it’s time to reflect on your relationships. Once you have identified one (or many) of these warning signs in your parent/child relationship, you will have a basis to build off of in learning how to create healthy boundaries in our next lesson. Remember: your child is not causing these negative feelings or “warning signs.” This is not a blame game. The cause of these warning signs is the lack of boundaries in your relationship. If you are experiencing these warning signs, it is YOUR JOB to fix it and NOT feel guilty doing so! 

  

Peers

Do you feel like you are constantly giving more than you are receiving? Do you find yourself playing “therapist” among your peers? Do you find yourself feeling resentment towards your friends for unknown reasons? When you think about the relationships in your life that require boundaries, your friendships may not be at the top of the list. However, that doesn’t mean they are not needed.  

Creating healthy boundaries with your peers whether it be with your co-workers, your roommates, or your closest friends, can be tricky. You have your own standards and comfort levels, while also trying to respect theirs. You want to maintain the relationship, but also feel like you can set limits and be your true self.  

Creating and maintaining boundaries among your peers can be a difficult line to draw. We will go further into how to draw these boundary lines in our upcoming lessons, but in this lesson, let’s look at where these lines need to be drawn. Let’s look back to the “warning signs” we learned about earlier: resentment, feeling like the victim, feeling disrespected, and fear of being abandoned. Use this quiz to see if you can identify which warning sign is showing up in each scenario. 

Now it’s time to reflect on your relationships. Once you have identified one (or many) of these warning signs in your peer relationships, you will have a basis to build off of in learning how to create healthy boundaries in our next lesson. Remember: your peer is not causing these negative feelings or “warning signs.” This is not a blame game. The cause of these warning signs is the lack of boundaries in your relationship. If you are experiencing these warning signs, it is YOUR JOB to fix it and NOT feel guilty doing so! 

  

Resources

1. Baldwin, J. (2019, June 13). Rigid, Diffuse, and Flexible: Three Types of Psychological Boundaries in the Voice Studio. Retrieved October 22, 2020, from https://soundandmind.blog/2019/06/12/rigid-diffuse-and-flexible-three-types-of-psychological-boundaries-in-the-voice-studio/ 
2. Chesak, J. (2019, January 16). The No BS Guide to Protecting Your Emotional Space. Retrieved October 22, 2020, from https://cyfliaison.namisandiego.org/2019/01/16/the-no-bs-guide-to-protecting-your-emotional-space/ 
3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2008). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no. Zondervan.
4. Crocker, J. (2002). The Costs of Seeking Self-Esteem. Journal of Social Issues, 58(3), 597-615. doi:10.1111/1540-4560.00279 
5. Ritchie, S. (2012, November 06). The Art of Self-Esteem; Setting Boundaries: YouTime Coaching. Retrieved October 22, 2020, from https://susanritchie.co.uk/the-art-of-self-esteem-setting-boundaries/