Lesson 3: Establishing a Support Group
For vs. To:
Now that we’ve learned about our areas of responsibility (and what’s not our responsibility), it might be easy to say, “If I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, what’s the point of bending over backward to please anybody?” While this certainly may be an appealing idea—to focus on your feelings and assign others to be responsible for their own feelings—there is still a flaw in this way of thinking.
Although it is true
that everyone is responsible for their own feelings, being in a relationship with someone
(whether it’s a marriage, parent/child relationship, friendship, etc.) makes
you responsible to that person in some capacity. In the book Boundaries, Dr. Cloud
and Townsend state, “we are responsible to care about and help, within certain limits” those with whom we have a relationship with (2008).
So what is the difference between responsibility for and responsibility to? Responsibility for is what fuels boundary violations. It is the idea that someone else should take care of a responsibility that is not theirs. On the other hand, a responsibility to is the idea that you should respect others and help them with
their needs without allowing this to infringe on your own needs (Cloud & Townsend, 2008).
Needs:
Responsibility to those around us includes being conscious of their
needs to see where we can help and being conscious of our needs to ensure that
we aren’t neglecting ourselves for others’ sake. Our bodies are great at giving
us cues when a physical need isn’t being met. Some examples of these cues are:
- The need for food – stomach growls, energy depleted
- The need for water – dry throat, infrequent urination
- The need for sleep – yawning, physical exhaustion
However, it’s more difficult to pinpoint when an emotional need is not being met. Some emotional needs to be conscientious of are as follows:
- The need for belonging
- The need for love and affection
- The need for achievement
- The need for security
- The need for freedom from fear
- The need for freedom from guilt
- The need for sharing
- The need for understanding (Mann, 1951)
It is important to acknowledge these emotional needs since they are less noticeable when they are
not being met, yet they are just as valid and important as our physical needs are.
What needs have you neglected in yourself?
What needs could you safely foster with people in your life without disregarding your own needs?
“The twin sister to responsibility and accountability is autonomy.” - Henry Cloud
Autonomy:
Our days are filled with decisions. Small decisions about what to
eat, what to wear, which route to take to work; and larger decisions, like
how we let people treat us and how we treat others. The power to make
these decisions without interference from others is
called autonomy (White, 2016).
Types of Autonomy:
- Moral Autonomy: “The capacity to impose moral law on oneself.”
- Personal Autonomy: “the ability to act, without external or internal constraints.”
- Emotional Autonomy: “the minimal status of being responsible, independent and able to speak for oneself” (Christman, 2020).
Now that you have a basic idea of what Autonomy is, how do
you think it applies to setting boundaries?
(insert feedback)
Personal autonomy gives a person freedom of self. It’s
an individuals’ ability to make decisions regarding their own actions,
behaviors, and boundaries. This kind of self-regulation allows us to assess our
beliefs, our needs, and whether they are being met.
How do we develop autonomy you ask?
Research shows that during adolescence, the development of autonomy is extremely prevalent (Allen et. All, 1994). However, there are ways it is fostered throughout different stages of life.
For example:
“Toddlers naturally strive for independence and control. You have the power to help foster autonomy in your toddler and prepare them to make it up any mountain.” A few ways you can encourage autonomy in your toddler is to provide opportunities for it. For example, if they like getting their own snacks, put them in a place that they can reach. Work with and model acknowledging, naming, and recognizing emotions. Lastly, give them choices; this will give them the control they are wanting (Kylie Rymanowicz, 2018).
“Developing autonomy helps teens make emotional, behavioral, and values-based decisions in preparation for adulthood.” They are in the final stage of childhood, and that can be hard for parents. These conflicting emotions between teens and their parents can cause tension. Parents can help by setting rules, working on healthy communication, allowing the teen to contribute, and not discounting their peers (Fraser-Thill, 2019).
Developing autonomy and setting boundaries go hand in hand.
Examples:
- I am not responsible for the emotions of others.
- I understand my limits.
- I am aware of my needs and how to meet them.
- How people express how they are feeling is not personal.
“Without healthy boundaries, there is no sense of autonomy.
Without autonomy, we feel like we don’t even have the
right
or the option of saying no” (Christman,
2020).
To support our own autonomy and make sure we are meeting our own needs along with respecting the needs of others, sometimes we need a little bit of support of our own.
(shutterstock.com)
Support:
There is no shame in asking for help when you are struggling to set boundaries with another individual. In fact, it’s recommended that you seek some form of support from online, a counselor, church, good friend, family member, or support groups.
We know, we know, when you hear about joining a support group you might be thinking of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Gambling Anonymous, or group support for cancer patients/family members. However, support groups don’t have to have a negative connotation, feeling as if you are drowning or have a need to be ashamed. In fact, in a support group, members provide each other with various types of help, including coping strategies, a sense of community, accountability, and a new perspective.
It might seem ironic to need other individuals to help you set and keep boundaries. But Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of "Boundaries" give us two main reasons why we need others to help with setting boundaries:
- “Your most basic need in life is for relationship.”
We all desire relationships and social connection with others. Many of us will suffer with boundary-less relationships because of the fear of being alone. We’re afraid that if we set boundaries that we will not have love in our lives. However, when we open ourselves up to support from others, we find that the relationships that we were struggling with from a lack of boundaries are not the only source of love in the world. We can find strength through our support systems to set limits that need to be set and feel comfortable saying “no” when needed.
- “We need new input and teaching.”
Good support systems help us stand against the guilt that may come from negative thoughts. We need an outside perspective to give advice and help us stay accountable and grounded to the limits that we’ve set.
In what situations can having a support person/group be beneficial?
Examples:
- Support to hold you accountable.
- Support person being present during the confrontation with the offender.
- Support person/group to nourish, heal, and strengthen you.
- Support and comfort during the changes that arise from setting boundaries.
- Support by giving advice and a new perspective.
- Someone to meet with regularly and provide a sense of peace and non-judgment.
Setting boundaries is a new skill so having a good support group that you can talk to and practice with is beneficial. It provides empathy and clear feedback, allowing you to see the effect your actions have on others and theirs on you. You can role-play different situations or scenarios of saying "no" in a respected and loving environment without the fear of negative consequences.
No. Is a complete sentence. - Anne Lamott
Invitation for Action:
Parent/in-law relationship
Spouse
Boundaries help protect the longevity of a marriage. Setting clear limits and guidelines help ensure that both you and your spouse know where the line is in a given situation. This enables you to both have your needs met and meet your partner’s needs.
Whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional, establishing new boundaries in a marriage can be difficult. As with most change, changing the “norm” of your relationship, especially if it’s something that has gone on for a significant amount of time, can be a vulnerable place for you or your spouse to be in.
Changing the patterns of marriage sometimes requires help beyond what you and your spouse can do on your own. This help often comes as some type of counselor.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is a skill. Counselors can support you while you learn that skill through mediating conflict, monitoring your progress, and offering feedback.
While there are only two people in a marriage, that doesn’t mean that you can’t and shouldn’t have support when trying to better your relationship.
Dating
Children (various ages)
Whether you’re a new mom trying to make time for yourself while taking care of your baby, a father experiencing the joys of having a toddler, or parents trying to navigate having a teenager. Setting Boundaries with your children can be incredibly frustrating at times. Establishing a support group/partner can help you, and your spouse feel less overwhelmed.
For the new mom and dad trying to adjust, a parent support group may be beneficial. Often, members of a group feel similar. It can be validating to learn that you are not alone while also learning strategies that have worked for others in the same or similar situation.
For the parents with a toddler or a teenager, try to establish a support partner. This can come in many forms. Maybe, you and your spouse are each-others. You can support your spouse in setting boundaries with your children by talking through the reasons and possible outcomes of a boundary, being present when said boundary is being established, providing support in the possible conflict that could arise from doing so, and staying consistent when you are with the child alone.
Peers
from https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_little_toddler_that_could_autonomy_in_toddlerhood
White, D. (2016). What is Autonomy: Definition and Ethics. Retrieved October 31, 2020, from https://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is-autonomy-definition-ethics.html
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